I was looking at the calendar yesterday and realized that soon I’ll be completing five years in Mumbai. Quite an achievement for a Delhi boy, eh? I got me thinking what am I really doing in this city and why can’t I move out? Has that proverbial bug ‘you can take a man out of Mumbai but you cannot take Mumbai out of a man’ also bit me? Naah, not possible. That statement is too generic and come to think of it, you can substitute any city’s name there.
So what was it really? One quick glance at my watch told me it was 1 am and that I was destined to sleep now. After all, I have to get up at 6.30 am everyday to welcome the maid and begin my day (The maid definitely does not look forward to it though I’m sure!). And if I’m late by even five minutes in leaving, I will get caught in rush hour traffic and reach office late. A shudder later, it struck me that THIS was exactly what Mumbai is all about! It literally lives by the minutes and seconds. One cannot afford the luxury of being late or unpunctual else he would miss the train (pun intended).
On the other hand, as my obnoxiously loud North Indian friend would tell you, it is considered fashionable to be late in Delhi. After all, you haven’t really ‘arrived’ if you aren’t late. So its a much accepted norm to land up three hours late at an 8 pm wedding and still find yourself to be amongst the early ones. By the way, I tried this once in a Mumbai wedding. I reached at 10 pm for a wedding of 7 pm. Needless to say, food was over and the last few guests were leaving. In fact the wedding planner had already started taking down the dais. I felt cheated. As if my entire Delhi upbringing has gone for a colossal waste.
In Mumbai, I see a lot of smartly dressed women wherever I go – work, malls, restaurants et al. There are small to large girlie groups everywhere, just hanging out and having as much fun as the boys. They will nonchalantly tell you how safe and easy it is for them to travel alone at night, wear whatever they want and generally not fear those three words that Delhi girls dread – stalking, molestation and rape. You could add ogling to the list, but any Delhi lecher worth his salt considers that as a downgrade in his status.
Actually these Mumbai girls have got it all wrong. They think the entire male population in Delhi constitutes perverts and rapists. However that’s certainly not true. As a Delhi born and bred male, I feel it is my duty to point out to womenfolk here that sadly, it is the same North/Eastern population ogling at your prized assets in Delhi and Mumbai. The subtle difference is in the semantics my dear girls. We Dilli-wallas call them UP-ites/Biharis/Nepalis and you Mumbaikars classify them in a broad bucket called ‘Bhaiyyas’. For us, they wash cars, serve as domestic help and work as shop assistants. And for you, they drive taxis and autos and setup vada-pav stalls. But ladies, in both the cities, their evening hobby still remains the same! Sorry to have burst that safety bubble of yours.
Yes, I will give it to you for being afraid of the aggressive Sikh menfolk of North India. They do look ferocious and hard to fight off. But what I gather from my conversations with my women friends from that culture, one can safely say that Punjabi men are harmless without alcohol, or for that matter, outside their bed. Do not, I repeat, do not make the common mistake of combining the alcohol with bed-related activities. You have seen the drastic alteration of shape for Punjabi girls, haven’t you?
Talking of Punjabis, I have realized that they take a lot of pride in whatever they possess or do. Nothing wrong in that but when the bubble bursts, it shakes even the most planted ones. And it does hurt. I still cant forget how dejected my Sikh friend was when he discovered that Goa was famous for a liquid other than what he was drinking all his life. I think he had bet some obscenely large sum of money on it being whiskey and hence was so depressed. Such is life up North!
But the real reason why I was surprised at his sheer lack of knowledge was because North Indians are supposed to be quite familiar with Goa. After all, it is the unofficial capital of Punjab! Where else would you see more Punjabis per square km all year round? To top it all, if you happen to hit Calangute or Baga stretch in the months of November to February, I can wager my savings that you’ll see more sindoor and chooda toting women than bikini clad firangs. And by the way, these newly wed Punjabins are more provocatively dressed than their foreign counterparts. To be fair to them, it’s their only chance to loiter around in skimpy clothes before the perils of domestic life take over. More specifically, before the lassi, butter and ghee do their magic. And not to forget, the alcohol and bed can be game changers too.
Then we have the other popular communities. Like the ubiquitous Gujarati populace in Mumbai trying to give competition to Marwaris of Delhi. While Gujju women take pride in wearing gold equivalent to their sari length, Maru ladies feel it is their moral responsibility to wear diamonds everywhere and at all times. The golden rule is to ensure the value (in millions) should be at least 5-10x of their age. Or waist size. Or weight. Well, you can choose any number for that community. There is a freaky positive correlation amongst the three factors. That’s another story that given their complexion, solitaires do look very racist on their skin. But that’s another story altogether.
Yet there is a strong similarity between these two communities – money for the jewelery is almost always from the ‘parallel’ sources. One community calls it Black market, while the other, Stock market.
Maharashtrians are one community that I thoroughly enjoy observing. They are forever cribbing – be it real estate prices, outsiders-coming-to-work-in-their-city-and-spoiling-it, toll collection, potholes, high taxes, delayed infrastructure projects or the general economic mess. But they will never protest and continue with their existence every single day. Mumbaikars will continue taking pride in their never-say-die attitude and how the city bounces back after major catastrophes (think floods, serial bomb blasts, 26/11 etc.). Truth be told, they are not concerned. For them, getting a window seat on 8.21 local and ensuring the right bargain for Bombil is far more important than some Dhoble or Adarsh. And as long as you have a 650 sq. ft 2 BHK in the narrow bylanes of Grant Road (South Mumbai, mind you), life is set!
Wealthy native Mumbaikars would still dress as if he they are running a chai-ki-tapri (maybe they actually are!) and would travel by local train, despite having two cars parked at his house. You see, if you take out your car, someone will immediately occupy that space. So it has be strategically managed. You will find ladies chopping vegetables in train on their way back home (really, that saves SO much time?) or people lining up in a 3 km queue outside the petrol pump whenever a 50 paise hike in petrol prices is announced. Then there is their Marathi language. It is perhaps sweet but the way they talk, it sounds quite aggressive to me (or maybe its my maid playing mind games with me?).
There is also a constant social profiling amongst the population based on your residence. As if North and South weren’t enough, Mumbaikars have decided to continue the stratification based on East and West suburbs, Extended suburbs, Navi Mumbai and what not. Try uttering the words Dombivali, Vasai-Virar, Thane or Kalyan at a Page 3 soiree. I guarantee you will be relegated to a lower designation than the drivers and waiters.
(Author’s note – one of the first tips given to me when I landed in Mumbai was to never reveal that I stay in Andheri EAST. Saying Andheri confidently would be enough. Also, try to learn names of nearest posh landmarks e.g. if you stay in Macchimar Colony, say Cuffe Parade and you will get inducted in high society in no time).
But don’t get me wrong. Mumbai does have it’s positives. Like the entire city is a trash can, spittoon and urinal rolled in one. Feel free to relieve yourself on any wall, pavement or tree; throw trash whenever you want and open your car door at every traffic signal to spit. After all, when everyone around you is doing so, why can’t you? Mumbai is all about competitiveness and staying one step ahead, right? I also particularly adore the fact how people co-exist in this city. Right at the foot of a 25 storey highrise, you will find a huge slum, cattle shed, crematorium, butchery, school and medical facility. And no one will complain. After all, the fact that you were able to buy an exorbitantly priced matchbox sized apartment in Mumbai sets you apart from the common man! And did the builder not promise that these ‘things’ would be removed once the building is complete? Have patience and faith in the unknown, because that’s what keeps Mumbai going. And when no one’s complaining why should you? There will be no competition in that.
As far as I can see, Mumbai is not going to change. There is too much greed and struggle here to keep people occupied with their daily survival to give them any time for a serious thought or action. I don’t see any Egypt-like uprising happening in the near future. What I do see is people like me exiting the city – dejected and unable to compromise with or adjust to the madness. There was a saying which I heard once – excess of everything is bad and there is a limit to everything. But I guess Mumbai seems to defy adages as well.
Musings of The Young Monk 